Why I Was Late #001: D n’ D

My boyfriend and I got locked out of my house AND his house simultaneously 40 minutes before I was due to start work because we are fatasses that decided to wake up and go get coffee together.

I didn’t even have a bra on. No makeup. Pjs. Sex hair. It was a mess.

To make matters worse, I had just drank a large Dunkin Donuts coffee and I was ready to poop in his bushes if it came to that.

He lives in an apartment without windows low to the ground so we couldn’t break in to his house (where all of my stuff to get ready was).

We drove to Wendy’s so I could poop in my own private shame (they have a one person bathroom).

Eventually, we had to drive a while away to where is roommate works to borrow their key.

I was 2.5 hours late.

New category!
I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before. It seems so obvious.

'Why I Was Late': Featuring the dumb reasons I've been late or absent to work or life events.

It seems I’ve always had a cloud of ridiculous misfortune right above me. Every time I’ve run late (which is pretty much always, despite my best efforts) it’s been due to some unimaginable event or series of unbelievably idiotic happenings.

I had a general manager once that used to look forward to my calling in late because she couldn’t wait to hear why.

Ironically, I feel like I’m pretty late on creating this category.

New category!
I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before. It seems so obvious.

'Why I Was Late': Featuring the dumb reasons I've been late or absent to work or life events.

It seems I’ve always had a cloud of ridiculous misfortune right above me. Every time I’ve run late (which is pretty much always, despite my best efforts) it’s been due to some unimaginable event or series of unbelievably idiotic happenings.

I had a general manager once that used to look forward to my calling in late because she couldn’t wait to hear why.

Ironically, I feel like I’m pretty late on creating this category.

Small Victories #010: FUNctuality.

I’m a genius.
And I’m usually running late. It’s never for something normal. I don’t get stuck in traffic or sleep in. I get animals crashing into my car that I must stop and save, I lock myself out of my house without shoes on, etc.

So one day I thought of a fantastic way to counter your manager yelling at you for being late!

Take a screenshot of your home screen at a time that is at least 5-10 minutes before you’re due to start work.

Walk in as if nothing is wrong, afterall you’re early right? :)

"Why are you so late? Why didn’t you call?"

You: “What? I’m early! I don’t start until 8 and according to my phone *show the screenshot* it’s only 7:49!”

"It’s 8:45!"

"Whhhaaaaat!??? Stupid technology! I thought I was nice n early! My phone is my worst enemy!"

"You are an incredible employee! Thank you for being early and considerate! Your phone is clearly the one at fault in this situation! Carry on!"

Small Victories #010: FUNctuality.

I’m a genius.
And I’m usually running late. It’s never for something normal. I don’t get stuck in traffic or sleep in. I get animals crashing into my car that I must stop and save, I lock myself out of my house without shoes on, etc.

So one day I thought of a fantastic way to counter your manager yelling at you for being late!

Take a screenshot of your home screen at a time that is at least 5-10 minutes before you’re due to start work.

Walk in as if nothing is wrong, afterall you’re early right? :)

"Why are you so late? Why didn’t you call?"

You: “What? I’m early! I don’t start until 8 and according to my phone *show the screenshot* it’s only 7:49!”

"It’s 8:45!"

"Whhhaaaaat!??? Stupid technology! I thought I was nice n early! My phone is my worst enemy!"

"You are an incredible employee! Thank you for being early and considerate! Your phone is clearly the one at fault in this situation! Carry on!"

Geek Squad: How can I help you?

Me: I broke my phone screen again. :(

Geek Squad: How’d you do it this time?

Me: I was trying to reload my PEZ dispenser and when I couldn’t balance everything that I was holding, PEZ took priority.

Numbers.

Ok I just need to say this.

Just because you are 35 doesn’t mean you are mature and have more life experience then anyone younger than you.

Just because you are 25 doesn’t mean you are immature and lack knowledge or experience.

You can be 40 years old and never have truly lived a day.

You can be 17 and have survived through more than one person ever should in a lifetime.

All age means is that you came out of a vagina before or after I did.

If you feel the need to announce how awesome and mature you think you are and tell people only 7 years younger than you “How old are you? Oh god you’re just a kid! You don’t know anything yet!” I’m going to instantly assume that you are insecure and need to surround yourself with younger people to feel more advanced because when surrounded by your own age group you realize that you fall considerably short by comparison.

If you want to know how much life experience someone has, what they’ve been through, how mature they are, and want to learn from them, just ask them.

Stop judging the number and listen to the voice.